I believe it is the only policy.
About 4 years ago, my husband received a calling from God to go into ministry (youth ministry is his passion). When he first shared this with me, I was excited. He had been the teen leader at our church for about 9 months while the board was deciding how to fill the position. I really struggled during this time, because I very rarely saw him, as our firstborn had just been born. I was excited about the possibility of him being a youth pastor full time. I figured he would be doing what he had been doing, only it would be his only job and he would be paid for it. I guess you can say that I had a very selfish excitement. As time went on, I tried to involve myself with the teens, but it was so hard with little ones in tow. My real passion was to be a mother, and I have found it hard to do both.
Over time, my feelings have been on a roller coaster. The excitement of being called by God was overwelming (Though I was not peronally called). I was excited about the possibilities of where God was going to take us and how he was going to use us. Other times, I admit, I have been scared, frightened, and downright terrified. I have no idea how to be a pastor's wife. I have read many times that God will call us to leave our comfort zones...this is where my fear comes in. I do not feel equipped to step out and help lead others (I am sure Moses and Aaron felt the same way).
This last weekend, Josh and I attended a Ministerial Board Assessment (part of the program towards becoming ordained). One of the things that stood out to me was how every pastor was taken on a journey, and that journey involved many moves to many different places. The part of me that likes change was excited to hear that. I moved around a lot as a child (my dad was a pastor), and I think that it would be fun to live in different places. Then the majority of me, the part of me that absolutely loves our home church and friends and could never think of leaving, stiffened up and allowed fear to enter in. The thought of leaving Nampa is overwelming.
I have spent a lot of time in prayer over this calling to ministry. There are many days when I feel so lost and alone. With Josh working 2 jobs, he barely has time with us, much less time for his classes he needs to take. I desire to have a large family, yet it seems that pastors tend to have small families (please share if you know otherwise) to match their meager wages. And finally, I often wonder if God will call me as well. Will he give me a passion for teens as he has my husband? My joy comes from working with small children, and especially being home with my own. There are times when I feel that Josh and I are on different paths of life, with different goals and dreams. I do not desire this for our family, yet do not know how to change it or help it. I guess I fear that God is going to ask me to change my dreams and desires. If He does, I hope He will also change my heart.
Lord, I desire your will. Our life is in Your Hands. Please guide and direct my heart and actions according to your desires. I love you.
3 comments:
Shawna, this is a fantastic post. I have struggled with similar fears and wishes. I will pray for you in your desire to please God, know His calling for you life, and to trust that His plan is far better than any we could imagine for ourselves.
Shawna,
I'm proud of you sharing this. It would be so hard and yet I know and you know that God's plan, path, and timing are perfect. It is so hard to think about the uncertainty of the future but I know that God is activly involved in it. God knows the desires of your heart as well as the desires of Josh's heart and I know that in His perfect will for your family and your lives that things will all pan out in the end. As for now, know that I will be praying for clear direction for you both and especially together.
Shawna,
God can do amazing things when your heart is so open. I admire you for your willingness to let him change your heart. I wanted to tell you about my babysitter when I was little. She was the Pastor's wife at what became my family's church. She had 5 kids of her own and ran a daycare that was more like a second home. She was such a special lady; she was like a 3rd Grama for me. She came to my wedding and we still keep in touch. She is in MN now. She always worked in the nursery and Sunday School while her husband was the church pastor. She was/is one of the most special Christians to touch my life. God used her where she was at,just as I know He is using you now.
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